Tuesday, October 18, 2022

Life after deceptions

When you have nothing anymore to offer, when you feel totally unmotivated. When people disappoint you endlessly and you haven't got the ability to forgive and to give anything in return. That's when everything suddenly becomes grey and bitter. At this moment, I am surrounded by an unbearable void and utter despair. I can't get out. I am stuck and no one can save me except myself. I don't actually seek to be saved by those who disappointed me, who are to be fair, good at heart, who did their best, maybe, but not for me, they did me wrong. I can't forgive, but I will try to move on.

Saturday, October 15, 2022

Cheers to leaving dearest ones

I want to write about people not staying in our lives. About the choice to stay or leave and how the mind, the soul and the body process such a transition. I have big fears yet it must be done or I'll spend the rest of my life in unending misery. It was a pleasure known you, it meant the world to me, it is the dream I never wanted to wake up from. Yet here I am. I will leave. It will hurt but at least I will survive. A part of me will survive, the rest will die... is already dead.

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

No light at the end of the tunnel

Today I died.
Yesterday I died.
Tomorrow "I died"

Grief

To treat me casually after all we have been through, seen and experienced. That's inhuman. That's very low. It cuts the soul, it destroys every living thing in me. You expect me to act likewise, yes, but you'll never know what I can do. I am a walking dead, today, I cried with such bitterness, tomorrow I will cry also. I am here today because I am just here. Nothing more. I'm not fully alive. I am here. Dead, totally. My pain has no name no remedy. My pain is immense.

Yesterday by The Beatles

Yesterday. I'm thinking about that song right now. It's a very good song.
I ask myself:
Am I sad, disappointed or defeated? Tired or about to do something really bad to myself? Do I hate myself? At this very moment? Yes. Do I want to feel better, do I want to heal? Yes. Do I want the pain to be gone, to vanish? Yes. Do I want some of it to stay? Yes. Do I love myself? No. Do I want to feel pain? Yes. Am I sick or am I hallucinating? I don't know. Do I care about the future? No. Is it because it scares me to death? Yes. Is it because I hate myself? Yes. Is it because I can't accept happiness? Yes. Is it because I am unstable and inconsistent? Is it because I lie to myself? Is it because I am crazy and delusional? Is it because I want to be free of pain yet somehow I succumb to it? Is it because it gives me purpose and makes me feel as human as it can be? Is it because I am sick? Or is it because I am scared? Is it my fault.........

Sunday, January 9, 2022

Deception/Heartbreak

I need to get this out right now. Because it is too much to be borne. I am now currently in a place with no gravity and no sound. As dark as it gets. I'm floating, I am lost. The kind of pain I'm feeling is indescribable. It is the kind of pain that makes you wish you want to die. As I really want to die. It is in my stomach, unbearable pain, and it gets to every fiber of my body. I haven't eaten. I slept to enter a limbo, to escape but I couldn't. As soon as I open my eyes, it hurts. I am lost, totally, utterly. Abandoned by a used to be a dear one, in the middle of nowhere. What bothers me the most is I have foreseen this day; I expected it but apparently, I had such high hopes and whatever. People's past is a dangerous thing, that need to be taken seriously when one decides to get attached and have feelings for someone. I, with all the rational thoughts and arguments, slipped and let myself fall into a pit. Now, I'm suffering, my insides are ripping, and I can no longer say a word and be amongst the living. I didn't want to bring up details to what this is about, because it is in a simple word, is a heartbreak and a deception. I am in hell; a knife was put in my heart, and I am roaming the earth not knowing how to get rid of it and still be alive.

Saturday, March 6, 2021

My silver lining

Deception after deception.
Never have I ever felt such void and despair. Such melancholy and loneliness.
Humans are bad, as I am.
All of this doesn't make sense, yet it does.
Pain is essential, but I don't know about too much pain.
Happiness is something I can't have.
M. BRINI