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The special ones

To you, you know who you are ❤️

Control

"I'm paying dearly for past mistakes" is exactly the phrase (quote in fact from the film Control)  that describes my world right now, my family and everything that's going on.

Résistance

Talk to your head more often, don't let that shit take over. Talk to yourself, reason with it, negotiate.

M. BRINI

The paradox

Some people just choose deperession, sadness and despair.. Over life and happiness. They find purpose and unexplained pleasures in them. A place that is so dark and gloomy, yet so much "fun" and full of hope. It is like that, in their heads.. In my head..
M.BRINI

Life as it once was

Youth is such a beautiful phase of our lives, yet it goes so fast, it can be missed out. You won't notice when did it start and when or how did it end. And this is irreversible. You can never go back. You can always write about it, lament it, reminisce the feelings but never go back. It is now, at this particular point of my life that I remember how much I miss that the world had no limits in my eyes. How the long nights were longed for, they were the best thing we had. The music, the songs, the sea, the sent of plants, trees and everything that had been sun-kissed during those long hot summer days.. That was my day, that was our day, that was the dream being lived.. That was the only ambition we had, the main goal of the day ; to enjoy the nights and to laugh, to dance and to be loved.That was my life and how wonderful it was.
M. Brini

Pain - less

I take a walk when I want to forget, it lessens stomachache.
M. Brini

Depression

Whilst they kept talking, all smiles, hinting about how good a person I am, all I was thinking about  was : did you know that I want to kill myself but I can't.
M. Brini

Paradox of happiness

Happiness is something I can't digest,.
Happiness is something I don't like.
Happiness is something I can't bear.
Happiness is something I look forward to.
M. Brini

To be

I AM, I exist, my body, my mind, right here, right now, at this very moment, standing, alive, and mostly, breathing. That's more than enough. That's everything.
M. Brini

Things to remember

The past is past.
It is your choice and mostly your will to make things different.
You have one life.
It's you or them.
The notion of "Time" and its repercussions on your existence frightens you to death but time is not the enemy, YOU are. It's all in your head. All, in you.
Try harder even if it hurts inside.
M. Brini

Control

I'm paying dearly for past mistakes is exactly the phrase (quote in fact from the film Control)  that describes my world right now, my family and everything that's going on.
M. Brini

The fight

You go up and then down. Up and down. It's a roller-coaster. I ask myself, Is it my choice to fix things, once and for all, or is life like that and I need to fight my way through. Most of the time they tell me it's the latter. But I think it's a combination of will, and fate. In my case my will is absent and my mind is my worst enemy. As a result, I'm busy fighting both my head and getting away frown my fate(if that's possible) or whatever life has got in store for me.
M. Brini

F U

A girl in this damned and ugly world, needs support, someone to rely on, people with whom she feels safe .. Even if it is just one person. In my case, I need to be my own support system, the one I rely on, I am the only one I can feel safe with, I am that person. Just myself and I. Just me. And they tell me :your life is easy? I say fuck you.
M.Brini

Dear Baba Azizi

Today (the 9th of April 2019) , my grand dad passed away. I still can't believe it. I cried but only a little. I tried to remember him, but I couldn't.. Something about giving me sweets everytime he saw me comes to mind, and delicious dinners whenever I came by . God he loved food and especially dinner time. He was generous and loved big family gatherings. He loved his radio which he kept next to him most of the time. He kept all sorts of things next to his bed. I remember how he slept peacefully during the summer outside his room because it was so hot. He loved watching the news and  explaining politics to us and grandmother whom he loved dearly despite the disputes they had all the time. I remember him sitting on his chair every morning next to his house. I remember the kindness and the sense of humor. I'll always remember him thus and he will always have a special spot in my life.
M. Brini

The storm

I remember my childhood. I stood once at around 7 am in the morning and talked to a tree. I said too many things. I promised that I'll always have faith in God and in return, I asked the tree to grant me a wish or two, that's what I remember or what I think I remember. Now, I remember struggling to find a purpose for every morning at school. I wake up and I tell myself all sorts of things to be motivated. And for that, I observe people's motivations and I duplicate them in my unconsciousness so that they become mine. I struggled, never ever talked about these little things to anyone, I hid them, ignored them.. Moved on. Thinking maybe everyone had one of these little dark thoughts. Which is true but not like mine I suppose . Why? At my age, this behavior, this constant sadness, this darkness had resurfaced and it kept me from achieving a lot of things. A lot. I discovered that despite saying that I hate darkness so much, I defintely love it,I say that I want so bad to be normal but I actually hate that and I do everything to be different. That I enjoy tormenting myself yet I say, I don't. That I'm struggling and giving myself all sorts of lies and excuses not to heal. That I don't know what I want, that life is hard, that people are selfish and I'm not. That I am angry, that I am not here or there or anywhere. That I'm suicidal and I want to disappear. That I am who I am. That I am struggling. That I haven't learnt enough. That everything is complicated. That this is a mess. That I'm getting in the way if my salvation. That I hate myself, that I fight myself, that I am who I am. That life is quite a journey and that I'm not the first one to notice and write about that. That everything is what it is.. That I'm a part of something I haven't understood yet.
M. Brini

A long process

All I need to do is to convince my brain to ignore the despair I feel each and everyday and find me a purpose. It's hard when you struggle like this. It's so freaking hard. But I try to go on with my life. I try to block this feeling of sadness, not listen to its voice, stop it from getting in my head any further and copy what motivates people. At least for now.
M. Brini

The words

The right words if they don't come from your heart, they're meaningless. I don't "think" my words, I feel them.
M. Brini

Clarification

For those of you who might've read this and noticed some paradox in what I publish.Well, it is filled with paradoxal statements. Why? Because that's the battle between myself and I. Between what I want to become and what I am now. Thank you, next 😁
M. Brini

Self-worth and self-esteem vs the world

Keep this in your head. If you love yourself truly, people will sense that and notice, they'll love you back. But, If you feel like they don't love you or they don't seem to notice how much you appreciate yourself and know your worth, like they try to bully you and try to affect your self-esteem then know this, they're so fucking jealous. They'll do anything to take that away from you. Don't you ever forget. Don't you ever let it slip your mind.
M. Brini

Society

It's not like in your head. It's not about what's right and what's wrong, it's not about justice. It is about a game,  and how well you play it . That's our society in simpler words.
M. Brini

Nemesis

So your head will always say no, it's your nemesis. He hates you, dislikes you. Now., all you need is to take a leap of faith and do the opposite of what your head is saying. Thank you, peace.
M.Brini

Never

And then I look to some people, and I think : I can never be like them, I can never have the life they have ever ever.. Never "
M. Brini