No light at the end of the tunnel

Today I died.

Yesterday I died.

Tomorrow "I died"

Grief

To treat me casually after all we have been through, seen and experienced. That's inhuman. That's very low. It cuts the soul, it destroys every living thing in me. You expect me to act likewise, yes, but you'll never know what I can do. I am a walking dead, today, I cried with such bitterness, tomorrow I will cry also. I am here today because I am just here. Nothing more. I'm not fully alive. I am here. Dead, totally. My pain has no name no remedy. My pain is immense.

Yesterday by The Beatles

Yesterday. I'm thinking about that song right now. It's a very good song.

I ask myself:

Am I sad, disappointed or defeated? Tired or about to do something really bad to myself? Do I hate myself? At this very moment? Yes. Do I want to feel better, do I want to heal? Yes. Do I want the pain to be gone, to vanish? Yes. Do I want some of it to stay? Yes. Do I love myself? No. Do I want to feel pain? Yes. Am I sick or am I hallucinating? I don't know. Do I care about the future? No. Is it because it scares me to death? Yes. Is it because I hate myself? Yes. Is it because I can't accept happiness? Yes. Is it because I am unstable and inconsistent? Is it because I lie to myself? Is it because I am crazy and delusional? Is it because I want to be free of pain yet somehow I succumb to it? Is it because it gives me purpose and makes me feel as human as it can be? Is it because I am sick? Or is it because I am scared? Is it my fault.........