Dear Baba Azizi

Today (the 9th of April 2019) , my grand dad passed away. I still can't believe it. I cried but only a little. I tried to remember him, but I couldn't.. Something about giving me sweets everytime he saw me comes to mind, and delicious dinners whenever I came by . God he loved food and especially dinner time. He was generous and loved big family gatherings. He loved his radio which he kept next to him most of the time. He kept all sorts of things next to his bed. I remember how he slept peacefully during the summer outside his room because it was so hot. He loved watching the news and  explaining politics to us and grandmother whom he loved dearly despite the disputes they had all the time. I remember him sitting on his chair every morning next to his house. I remember the kindness and the sense of humor. I'll always remember him thus and he will always have a special spot in my life.
M. Brini

The storm

I remember my childhood. I stood once at around 7 am in the morning and talked to a tree. I said too many things. I promised that I'll always have faith in God and in return, I asked the tree to grant me a wish or two, that's what I remember or what I think I remember. Now, I remember struggling to find a purpose for every morning at school. I wake up and I tell myself all sorts of things to be motivated. And for that, I observe people's motivations and I duplicate them in my unconsciousness so that they become mine. I struggled, never ever talked about these little things to anyone, I hid them, ignored them.. Moved on. Thinking maybe everyone had one of these little dark thoughts. Which is true but not like mine I suppose . Why? At my age, this behavior, this constant sadness, this darkness had resurfaced and it kept me from achieving a lot of things. A lot. I discovered that despite saying that I hate darkness so much, I defintely love it,I say that I want so bad to be normal but I actually hate that and I do everything to be different. That I enjoy tormenting myself yet I say, I don't. That I'm struggling and giving myself all sorts of lies and excuses not to heal. That I don't know what I want, that life is hard, that people are selfish and I'm not. That I am angry, that I am not here or there or anywhere. That I'm suicidal and I want to disappear. That I am who I am. That I am struggling. That I haven't learnt enough. That everything is complicated. That this is a mess. That I'm getting in the way if my salvation. That I hate myself, that I fight myself, that I am who I am. That life is quite a journey and that I'm not the first one to notice and write about that. That everything is what it is.. That I'm a part of something I haven't understood yet.
M. Brini

A long process

All I need to do is to convince my brain to ignore the despair I feel each and everyday and find me a purpose. It's hard when you struggle like this. It's so freaking hard. But I try to go on with my life. I try to block this feeling of sadness, not listen to its voice, stop it from getting in my head any further and copy what motivates people. At least for now.
M. Brini