Live to feel

There are precious moments in life during which we experience those unique and very special feelings and emotions..We all cherish those moments,  we treasure those feelings , so as result, we hide them in some part of are deepest self and every time we feel lonely , sad, pessimistic about ourselves,  we call that part in our heads, asking it to travel back to that time , to make us remember those feelings,so we can relive them,to savour their taste, to remember the "how , where and when" and to eventually smile. And my god it is a smile like no other; warm, very true, deep ,colourful and reflective of our authentic self. I live for those moments, for those feelings, I crave them.I feel sometimes that I just live to feel..

M.Brini

You are who you are

Just say I am what I am and move the fuck on.
M.Brini

About some truth

If you don't share your world with someone , you'll simply stop existing.. just like that, you are no more, a body wandering around without purpose or soul.. without feelings.
Stop sharing and you will stop existing.
M.Brini

Everybody is special

Everybody is special in his own way.
Everybody has a unique story to tell.
M.Brini

I'll be wearing black tonight

Was quite a lovely day #friends #life #nature #specialeffects

I think of

So I thought of this : I have for the moment no purpose , I have no real purpose to live for except God , I am here , right now, at this moment, living every second, every day, just it. I breathe, I sleep,  I eat, I am human, I am no animal even though sometimes I wonder what is the difference. . I am not giving anything to society,  I am a burden to my family but most of the time they make me feel better , they're the only ones who do that. So I love them for that. I watch films I like, watch series , wonder if ever I'll accept "love" as it is essential, as it is the main purpose of this whole life,  to share,  to be loved. . I think a lot about these things. If ever I'm going to overcome my complexities , my ego and my stubbornness .. If ever I am going to be what I want to be. I think about living alone , about how and if I'm capable to live like that. I think about my mother and how she was abandoned and never complained and prefered silence and patience. If ever I am going to be like her. And how much I fear that day. I think about loss and getting sick. I think about traveling and speaking different languages and being able to tell people about my adventures when I grow old. I think about my age,  my face, my youth, and how I didn't do anything with it. I think about how I hate myself sometimes and how I defend my opinions and trust them some other times. I think about patience, religion and purpose. About old people who are struggling to survive, about people who died in vain, people whose name went down in history. I think about if I'm not going to have anyone to remember me or carry my name or genes. I think about the after world. About everything possible that can happen to me when I'm walking, talking or sleeping.. About sudden death.. About my constant "hate" of men's nature and my anger towards their actions. I think how abnormal I am, and how unsociable I can be, I think about being normal and loving life and being weird and happy. About loneliness, and about love.  About the world and God.
M.Brini

If you are the disease then you, yourself, are the cure..

I have hated myself for so long. Nobody believed or understood that. Best friends or relatives and especially the close ones, nobody got it. There are many forms that "self-hatred" can take. In my case, hating myself is when I was constantly feeling that I am worthy of nothing, that I am a failure , a pitiful entity who exists just to breathe, eat and sleep. That am cursed. I enjoyed it when I failed something even though I cried.I have nothing but emotions and empathic ways towards people and society that would always get me behind everyone and that would always stop me from doing something important. I dream ,  I "want" but never do. When I talk to people, I ,unconsciously, get distracted by telling myself that I am stupid and that I am trying to say something smart or trying to impress them, so it would be better if I shut up. During class, when our professor is explaining stuff, I, unconsciously shut my brain down so I wouldn't understand a word he or she is saying so afterwards I would tell myself I am so brainless, so smart and I don't even deserve to go to the university. I say "unconsciously" because I don't want to do that, who would want to torture himself/herself like that. Even though I know that I can control it , it is in my head but I don't, because of self-hatred. It is consuming me in a way that i want to cure it , to get rid of it, but something inside me , something deep and dark is not letting me. It is a war in my head. A war between me as pragmatic as I am, and the other me who enjoys torturing me, the other me who hates me. So, I started to asking questions; Why? When did it all start? What do you get from it? Till when? I didn't want to read books, or articles about psychology or go to a shrink. I wanted to find out myself. I haven't come out with much, I just know one thing for the moment, it is all related to my upbringing. My father hated me for no reason,  he didn't show me love, and I was raised to believe that I am worthless, that unless I deserve something truly , I am nothing or even if I deserve it , I am still nothing. That hating onself is the normal state of life and not the other way. When I woke up on some days, cheerful, my father would destroy that cheerfulness, cut it to pieces, but saying all the ba3d things one can think about, anything that would send you to the bottom of earth and I would feel sad and then forget. Also, the fact that I am related to him is a reason why I hated myself. Because I believe that all creatures that are related to him, should be erased. Yes, these are dark thoughts. So, I was raised to hate myself as a normal way of living. I loved people more than myself, felt disgust when people told me that they loved me. It made me  pand still makes me feel angry. So this is how it works, if you hate me, that I would like you, if you love me that I would immediately hate you. It is like : what do like about me., I am a failure, you must one as well then" ! Too much thinking and thoughts come to me and I always wish that I am normal. Just normal. I am fixing this problem , trying to be the cure , trying to get out...
M.Brini

Smile

How can black and white make you shine even more ❤

Rest in peace Rudha

I wanted to share this post , it is very sad to read about such a beautiful creature departing so soon. With those mesmerizing eyes and sweet character.Like they say you never know what people are hiding inside. Never. Rest in peace beautiful Rudha.

Mum

My mother raised me. I owe my life to her.
My mom sacrificed most of her life, raising me.
She is why I am happy and why I am not....
My mom taught me to love the others more than myself, she is a selfless person.
She taught me to give to others and make them happy, she did it unintentionally,  because she is good.. unique and special.
She never knew that, because nobody told her. And there is no need to, for it won't change anything. She will remain thus.
I am saying this because,  when I grew up , and I discovered that most people , friends or others, have one thing in common which is loving themselves, and their limitless selfishness. And after that I've came to the conclusion that it is the nature of human beings that make them love themselves. That is normal. It is a mostly a human instinct. It is. So there is nothing wrong with it. However, in my eyes of course , that is the opposite of what I was brought up to do.
One day, my mother needed the help of others and saw that help was coming, but nothing or no one was there to help. She started to doubt herself,  as I tried to convince her that people are selfish and nobody has such a virtue, and I told her: "You are too good Mum". And she replied: "You'll see, I won't give up,you are too pessimistic". Days passed, years actually,  And I saw my mum changing,  I didn't like it. But I knew that what I saw was , disappointment, a great one. Not in the world,  but in herself.And I thought she would finally begin to turn on people who weren't there for her. However, all she did was , be angry for a while and then that's it. She remained the same selfless person. She is more careful though. But I can see clearly that she is born to make the world happy. And she tells me: Oh yes, I'll continue being myself and I am proud of it, because it makes me happy. It does." So I said nothing.
I have changed. She didn't. A precious being like no other.
Mother, I love you.  Forgive me.
"M.Brini"

I've learned that

If you're living to impress people, to get their attention, to be liked by them, then you are wasting your time.
"M.Brini"

Kodaline - All I Want (Part 1)

 One of the few songs that touches me so deeply , not only the song but also the video clip. I feel like it is made for me, for people like me. Very beautiful.

Love

The people you look up to the most, are staring "to fall", they are becoming more vulnerable than ever,everything is out, so there aren't any role models in your life , not anymore. Actually they never were. They are full of flaws, intolerable vices, and somehow they hurted you , most of the time, but still you love them, you care about them, you can't abandon them, they are part of you , part of your identity , part of your genes. Whenever they cry , you want to cry even though you hate it, so very much, you want to detach yourself from them so you can free yourself, because you believe they are keeping you away from the things you want, they are slowing you down. Then again, you think, they are people I love,  I do, with every fiber of my being, people who raised me, people who no matter how wrong or stupid I was, they loved me , they always did, in their own way. Doesn't matter, they love me, truly and unconditionally. And that is what any human being longs for, to be loved for who you are, with all your good, bad and all your imperfections. I don't know what is y question here but I guess I'm confused. Very much. Life is confusing.
"M.Brini"

Observer of life: Myself Mary

Observer of life: Myself Mary

Myself Mary

Remind me

You are the illness
You are the cure
Love yourself
People only care about themselves
You need to care about yourself
Think about yourself
Do things for yourself
Things that make you happy
Stop daydreaming
Or at least, do a little of That
But love yourself,  yourself !
M.Brini

Punishing life

"Whatever life took from me ,whatever it keeps taking from me, I am going to take it back, for it is mine , my right. Life can't decide for me" that is what I decided on some day. Though it made me angry every time I realized that is just the stupidest thing to say. Life isn't a game, or fantasy,  or a beautiful story with a happy ending, life is with its goods and bads , with its sweetness and bitterness. . It is what it is. Life always wins. Now the part that I hate, and utterly despise is "acceptance" ; this part is for me like giving up, in fact, it is exactly that, just let things be and that's it. But NO. I can't. I won't. It is not imperative for me to accept that, and I'm not even going mention details about fate and destiny and all that. The point is, I know you can't have everything from life, most of things happen against our will, but it i my right to say no , and take back what is mine, to punish Life and eventually punishing myself.  "M.Brini"

Observer of life: My 12 things list

Observer of life: My 12 things list: I read this list whenever I feel down , and it works like magic.

My 12 things list

I read this list whenever I feel down , and it works like magic.

A wish

So I know things will never be the way I want them to be, at least not everything, it is impossible. Based on this realization I should just accept life as it is, just like everyone I know did. However, I decided to mourn the way life is,  which means I decided to not move on. Yes, I decide to sit there and to cry.Most characters in the films I have watched find some sort of redemption in the end, or at some point of the movie they decide to keep going , to be hopeful and to face the horrors of the world, and I love that part of the film. I hope I find mine someday, my redemption.I wish I was a character in a film. "M.Brini"

M.B

All I can say about myself is that I am loser trying to become a winner. "M.Brini"

Moments

I am waiting for the moment of my life when I will be ready to face my problems , you know ,that moment you see in movies when the hero or heroine realizes that she is strong enough, she trusts herself and decides once and for all to "face the world". "M.Brini"

M.B

Something about happiness

Wake up everyday, remind yourself of what you want most , do it for yourself, love yourself , it is about time. "M.Brini"

Advice

Do things to prove something to yourself , don't you ever do things to prove things to people. "M.Brini"

Purpose

A purpose makes you want things , beautiful things. Makes you stronger, makes you want to do things better ,  to make yourself better,  to push yourself to get what you want, to feel purposeful is a blessing,  is the best of things.  I don't have it;A purpose. I hope this isn't an excuse to justify what am I about to give up. "M.Brini"

Regrets

You must regret in order to learn and do better. You must have regrets. "M.Brini"

Madness

Do you ask yourself why you like the things you like.. Once you start underestimating yourself,  and then hating yourself, you become your number one enemy. And you eat your brain thinking all day how horrible, awful , bad you are. You say you're weak, you're beneath everyone, you're ugly,  you're worthless.. I think of this everyday, every second .. but sometimes I see how people look up to me , and say I am not that bad, then again and mostly I start hating those people who look up to me because I think I am worth less and consequently they are, for liking me. "M.Brini"

Purpose

A purpose makes you want things , beautiful things. Makes you stronger, makes you want to do things better ,  to make yourself better,  to push yourself to get what you want, to feel purposeful is a blessing,  is the best of things.  I don't have it;A purpose. I hope this isn't an excuse to justify what am I about to give up. "M.Brini"

Door

I don't want anything to be planned or be according to a plan. I don't want anything intentionally prepared for, except for the important stuff. It is exhausting, makes me sad , makes me unnaturally uncomfortable with the way the world is. It has become an objectif of mine, growing inside of my head each and every day, that I need to move, act , do things randomly. Like that. With patience and prudence but uncertainty and adventures are essential man. Man that is what I need , that is my way out. That is my door. "M.Brini"