So I thought of this : I have for the moment no purpose , I have no real purpose to live for except God , I am here , right now, at this moment, living every second, every day, just it. I breathe, I sleep, I eat, I am human, I am no animal even though sometimes I wonder what is the difference. . I am not giving anything to society, I am a burden to my family but most of the time they make me feel better , they're the only ones who do that. So I love them for that. I watch films I like, watch series , wonder if ever I'll accept "love" as it is essential, as it is the main purpose of this whole life, to share, to be loved. . I think a lot about these things. If ever I'm going to overcome my complexities , my ego and my stubbornness .. If ever I am going to be what I want to be. I think about living alone , about how and if I'm capable to live like that. I think about my mother and how she was abandoned and never complained and prefered silence and patience. If ever I am going to be like her. And how much I fear that day. I think about loss and getting sick. I think about traveling and speaking different languages and being able to tell people about my adventures when I grow old. I think about my age, my face, my youth, and how I didn't do anything with it. I think about how I hate myself sometimes and how I defend my opinions and trust them some other times. I think about patience, religion and purpose. About old people who are struggling to survive, about people who died in vain, people whose name went down in history. I think about if I'm not going to have anyone to remember me or carry my name or genes. I think about the after world. About everything possible that can happen to me when I'm walking, talking or sleeping.. About sudden death.. About my constant "hate" of men's nature and my anger towards their actions. I think how abnormal I am, and how unsociable I can be, I think about being normal and loving life and being weird and happy. About loneliness, and about love. About the world and God.
M.Brini
